"Are you scared to be alone"... Huh? Where did that question even come from? And why was she asking me that in the middle of rehearsal? I didn't even know how to answer the question. I was so caught of guard, I just stood there with my mouth wide open and tears coming down my face. Of course I thought she meant alone, without a mate but I later came to the realization that it was deeper than that.
In 2009 circumstances forced me to make decision; find another housemate or move out and live alone. I opted for the latter. I didn't know that living alone would be so different. Sure, at first thought who wouldn't want to have their own space to do what they wanted when they wanted? Who wouldn't want to escape the roommate woes we've all heard about?
Living alone was much more than what I anticipated. My parents and brother came to help me move and get settled into my new apartment. They liked it, loved the area. "It's perfect for you " they said. I agreed. I loved it. I couldn't wait to live all by myself. The family eventually left and there I was, alone. So what did I do? Go shopping. It was too quiet.
I was so tired from moving but I think the unfamiliarity superseded the fatigue. I called over a friend to keep me company until I got really, really sleepy. I woke up the next morning, took a deep breath, coughed from the fumes of fresh paint and started my day.
Three years later I am still living alone and it's still so brand new. I never knew how growing up, sharing a room with my brothers until I got to high school and coming from packed household would influence my living alone experience. There's no one here to talk to, no one to greet you after a long days work, no one to say, "hey I'm cooking dinner, want some"? There isn't even anyone to argue with.
It's easy to forget you live alone when there is always someone stopping by, when you are never home and when someone is spending the night for 6 months. But when your friends stopping coming by so often, when that person has spent their last night, that's when it becomes real.
I never realized why I spent so much time at my "dude's" house until now. I came home today, with no friends to stop by, no boyfriend's house to go over, no rehearsal to attend to and no meeting to facilitate. I opened the door and the only thing I had to look forward to was my one year old pup attempting to topple me over in excitement. I took her out for our evening walk, returned to the empty apartment, sat down and thought "I hope it's not like this forever". As I proceeded to give Nola a treat for handling her business outside and not in our home, I was reminded of the question Chanté asked some time ago, "are you afraid to be alone?" I finally had the answer... Yes.