It's here! It's finally here! I have been waiting on this moment for quite some time now. If someone were to ask, I am not really sure I can come with a clear, concise answer as to what about turning 30 I was anticipating. I've read so many blogs and books (some fiction and others non) where the author placed a distinct emphasis on turning thirty years old. This is when your life finally begins to make sense. This is when it's finally supposed to click. The 20's are over and life as I once knew it will no longer be the same.
I can reflect over the past few years and now I can say, Minah, you really are strong. Honestly, I have hard times believing that I was/am anything close. I think I have lived portions of my life trying to own up to to peanut gallery's expectation of the "Strong and strong willed" Minah. Maybe, just maybe they saw something in me that I had not discovered until now. It takes strength to endure hardships but it takes courage to meet your strength for one to embrace hardships.
When I turned 29 I had high hopes. I declared 29 would be a leaf turning year. It was supposed to be all fluff, balloons and glitter. I would hone in on my goals and aspirations, I would find a new job and move out of the valley. Maybe I started 29 off blind, swimming in oblivion, never thinking about what would obstacles I would face. Did I face any? ABSOLUTELY!
I was faced with difficult decision to make; to leave what was the only thing I had known for 8 years. I knew I was late in making this decision. I was past my "sell by" date. God made it extremely uncomfortable. Once I finally got it, I grew some cojones and did what I knew HE was telling me to. I chose to take the leap I had been prolonging for far too long. Although I felt so isolated initially, God continues to confirm that I am where He needs me to be to move.
In the past year, love found me when I least expected it to. I wasn't looking for it and I was not expecting it to be looking for me. Was I ready? I am not sure. But there I was, falling. Even though love is present, that did not take away the need to improve how I maintain love. Love takes work. I am learning new things about love each day. Love is patient is the ultimate lesson. It's a grand concept to grasp, yet a hard pill to swallow. I am learning that love truly is for grown ups. I am in it to win it. Love does not give up when it gets hot in the kitchen. Love takes the heat.
The spoiled brat in me has learned that just because things don't go my way (as I wanted them to) does not mean they are not going MY way (they why that they are supposed to be going/for my good). Again, I am still not where I want to be but if I wasn't here the journey to where I am going would be a lot different. Where I want to be versus where I need to be. There is a HUGE difference. I need to be here. Things are starting to align themselves with my hopes, dreams and prayers and because of that I am grateful that I am in this place.
My friendship cup is half empty... maybe not. I am not sure. Something interesting did happen in that area of my life. I am at the point where I have to say if you are here, you are here; if you aren't, you aren't. I have finally gotten over focusing on who is not in the friendship pool. I have slowly graduated and received my Reason, Season, Lifetime diploma. That took longer than it took me to receive a degree from CSU, Northridge. Things are different and they are different with reason. I can't say that my life now would be the same if there weren't "reason" or "season" friends in my life. I have allowed myself to open the door to the place in my heart that I had been protecting for a long time now. Meeting new folks is cool! Making space for them is even cooler. I am learning.
I am trying not to be too excited about 30; not to put so much expectation on it. It's hard not to. I expect to take the lessons I learned the past 29 years and turn them into life changing actions for me and those around me. I expect to teach these lessons as I continue to learn. I expect this year to be great. I expect to be great! I expect do more than just to survive obstacles but I expect to overcome them. I expect to change, grow and evolve. Anything opposite of that is not an indication of life but a sign of death. And while we put so much emphasis on the number of years we have been alive, the focus should be on the number of years we have chosen to live. Age is nothing but a dot on a timeline, an indicator for you to stop, reflect and make a choice; grow or die. I expect to live.