My Moment of Truth

Anyone one who knows me knows me,  knows that my BIGGEST fear is death.  I hate everything about it. The fact that it can't be predicted, that it knows no color, no age or time. I hate it all. From the feelings it leaves to the questions it brings, I hate it!  No matter how much I try to be comfortable with the fact that it's coming for me eventually, I still can't grasp the fact that it's completely out of my control.

With the recent events, my dad completely healed from prostate cancer (blog coming soon) and the passing of a dear friend of BTFL (Nesha Patterson ) my heart can't help but to have mixed emotions.  One thing remains true; my fear of death is still very much alive.  Most would not be so honest and true to admit that something we are supposed to be ok with scares the crap out of them.  Well, that's me. I will admit it. 

Death doesn't scare me in a selfish way. I have lost a few pertinent people in my life but after I got over the "What about me? Now what I am going to do?" phase, the fear was still there.  Most of it comes from "What if I am next?"  There is no way in telling if I am but the questions still arises.  

Funerals are infamous for the "what are you doing with your dash" commentary.  The part the scares me about death is... "what if I am abusing my dash?"  We all have an appointment with death. We may not know when it is but when it comes up, there will be no rescheduling.  So when  I experience a loss I always reach some reflective point, pondering on my dash. Am I doing something with it? Can I be doing more? What will my legacy? It's scary to know that the next migraine could be a form of cancer, an aneurysm or even a stroke. Morbid? maybe. Reality? Most definitely. 

So Minah, what are you waiting on? Who exactly are you waiting for? You could be up next! Truth is if it was I am not sure what would be said as opposed to what could be said.  I am not so much concerned with what people will say but I am concerned with making sure that I am living life to the fullest.  I have made it up in my mind that I will no longer be consumed with minuscule things like how much I hate my day job or who isn't helping me accomplish my goals.  The time to move is now, no matter who is coming with me or who decides to fall behind.This is not for the sake of what will they say at my funeral, but it's for the sake of how I am living. It's time to live, thrive. It's the only way to live life and live it to the fullest. 

 Never mind death it's time to live.

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