This day last year I sat at a dinner table with some folks I considered my most closest friends. Some were most certainly closer than others. Then there were, well, there was one who was not in attendance at all and should have been. One whom was probably one of THE closest to me. It was a weird night. Something was missing and in the midst of all my "friends" I felt all alone. I was supposed to be celebrating an incredible milestone in my life, the big 3-0! However, I just wanted to crawl under a rock and hide until it was all over.
Oh sure, I masked it well,if I do say so myself. I laughed, smiled and joked as much as I could. There were glimpses of fun and celebration. I'm not sure if anyone else caught on but something just wasn't right.
The night ended, early. I went back to my at the time boo's spot thinking he could lighten the mood, NOT! He made things worse. I felt even more alone. The next day instead of thinking of all the things I wanted to begin as my 20's commenced, I got a hunch that things were only beginning to end.
I was so excited to turn 30. I had heard so much about turning 30 and how free one becomes. I was so ready to embrace new beginnings but no one ever said anything about the endings that came with 30. Yes, even at 30 you experience growing pains.
A week after my 30th birthday all the feelings if felt during that dirty 30 dinner began to come to fruition. I experienced THE hardest breakup of my life. It wasn't because the guy was so great. It wasn't because I couldn't see my life without him. It was the hardest breakup of my life because I knew it should have ended moths prior. It was more upset with myself and had the toughest time being honest with me.
Not only did I lose beau, I lost "friends" I thought I would never lose. Some I had neglected during my facade of a relationship. Others didn't need to be friends in the first place. There was failure on my part to create boundaries to protect me and those around me.
Shortly after,the D word struck again. First, a woman I looked up to and endeavor to be half as regal as she was, Miss Moss. Days later a mentor of mine, among many other titles, Auntie Robin. Enough about that.
Things got darker before morning came. When the light shined it was like God blessed me with a brand new set of eyes, a new perspective. It was like He gave me a new life. I basked in the morning. My grieving got better and I embraced the new me. God sent people and experiences that readjusted my way of thinking and living.
So tonight,while I'm sitting at a dinner table with family, friends (new and old) and the love of my life (for real this time), I will embrace the usually unwanted attention. I will celebrate my 31st birthday wholeheartedly. I will give thanks to God for nurturing me and guiding me through one of the hardest moments on my life timeline. And I will forever reflect on the following lessons 30 taught me:
1. Fear impedes focus
2. Feelings are NOT facts
3. Never confuse those that are attached to you with those that are assigned to you
4. I don't have to believe everything I think
5. Forgiveness is a get out of jail card for ME
6. Love is not a cookie cutter shape
7. Worrying means I have a trust issue... with God
8. Appreciate where I am because of who I was
9. I am a movement not a moment
Cheers to 31!